Pushing Through The Guilt of Suicide Loss
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There are many stages of grief that stem from a loss due to suicide. One of the most prevalent is guilt. Many HARMFUL, unwritten rules say,
- If I cared about someone who died by suicide, their death is my fault for not stopping it
- I was responsible to keep my child safe and they died
- I was married to my spouse, therefore, I should have known what they were planning
- I should have seen the ‘signs’ that they were struggling and wanted to die
But the reality is … we are NOT inside other people’s minds. We can’t control if someone doesn’t speak the truth or even tell us something at all. IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT!
For myself, my guilt stemmed from my belief that I was responsible to keep my daughter safe. While I thought I was doing a great job of it … I kept her safe riding in cars by making her wear her seatbelt. I provided healthy food for her to eat. I kept her away from predators. But, the reality is, I couldn’t keep her away from herself. I found treatment for her but couldn’t control whether it would help her.
She was struggling with negative thoughts in her head and I couldn’t help her with them because she simply didn’t tell me that they were there.
Guilt weighs heavy on the soul. It makes you question things that shouldn’t even be an afterthought. It makes you second-guess all the things you said (or didn’t say) before the suicide. There’s that elusive question of, “Did I say that one thing that caused them to kill themselves?” I think this is because, as a society, when something negative happens, we’re quick to hand out blame. After all, that event MUST be someone’s fault.
We need to start believing that “cause” doesn’t equal “fault.” Cause, in the case of suicide, is simply … mental pain. There may be outside causes for that mental pain but, to transfer that cause into fault delays the healing process for the survivor. They can invest a lot of anger and hostility into blaming themselves and others. This can manifest into destroying relationships and is detrimental to their own physical health.
The bottom line … Guilt Makes You Sick
Guilt manifests into regret. We are wired to want to fix things that we regret. But, because you can’t “fix” a suicide loss, we feel stuck because the guilt and regret are hard feelings to tame and ultimately extinguish.
Here are some things that can help:
- Acknowledge that you feel guilty – You may not have realized you are holding guilt. Do an assessment of your feelings.
- Keep track of your guilt – When you start feeling guilty or talk about it, write it down. This will push you closer to forgiving yourself.
- Talk to other people who may also feel this guilt – Find other suicide loss survivors and ask them if they have been processing through guilt. It helps when you find people who are working through it themselves in order to get practical ideas. Plus it reinforces that you’re not alone.
- Don’t let other people tell you how to feel – The feelings of grief are real and you’re allowed to own them. Ignore them and you will find a way to get through it.
- Express your feelings in a tangible way – Journalize your feelings and the improvements. Start an art project such as painting or coloring. Start taking walks so you are moving your body.
- Get professional help – Sometimes you just need to find a professional therapist who can give you extra tools to process through your guilt in a healthy way.
At some point it helps to ask yourself, what can I learn from my guilt from suicide loss? For myself, I learned that I love deeply and that I’m human. I learned that the suicide loss doesn’t define me. It was an event that happened to which I did my best to do the right things when she was alive. I loved her to the best of my ability. That is it.
Have you felt guilty due to a suicide loss? What actions did you do to work through your own guilt? Leave some comments and let us know how you’re doing.
Tracy Oeser
Passionate survivor of child loss to suicide. I'm here to help people!
My sisters only son , committed suicide. It was 4 years ago, I still remember my sister screaming into the phone, to me, “I can’t talk right now, the police are here” my sweet nephew was gone, his pain was over , his mother , his fathers, his aunt , me, his family , our hell has just begun. I fell to the ground, screamed , “ no” No” come back , “no “ “why” “why “ this is a pain of death m and being a survivor, is so sad, and you will never get over it. All kinds of emotions, come pouring out. You cease to be human, your just existing. Why didn’t I see , the signs, why didn’t I . Am I such a POS , that I couldn’t see someone I loved so much was in pain, the only way he could stop the pain , was to end his life. The was no help , for me , when this happen , please reach out , leave your name, tell your story, it’s the only way , you will only want to talk , to people that are in this club, the “survivors” only we can help, we understand , what your going through, you numb, you angry, you believe somehow it’s your fault. It still hard for me to discuss this, but I did reach out to this person, who runs Journey through Grief, she is still my person. She is still here with me, you cannot do this alone , someone who wants to help you is here , take care, please stay alive , reach out, we can’t lose you too, you can understand this , bu how you feel now, my biggest fear , was that I would lose my sister also, I talked with her or texted her and sent her cards presents , were separated by 3000 miles, but she’s my sister, and I can’t lose her, I had to find myself , so I could help save and not lose her ; you have a person;